ICE PROUDLY ANNOUNCES NEW “ELITE” TASK FORCE COMMANDER JEREMY DEWITTE

For Immediate Release

OFFICE OF STRATEGIC SUPPRESSION & DESPERATE RECRUITMENT

U.S. IMMIGRATION AND CUSTOMS ENFORCEMENT (ICE)

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a historic moment that experts are calling “a cry for help” and insiders are calling “Tuesday,” U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has officially appointed Jeremy Dewitte as National Coordinator of the newly created Tactical High-Visibility Fallujah Squadron & Escort Wing (T.H.V.F.S.E.W.).

This appointment follows a PBS NewsHour report highlighting ICE’s bold new hiring strategy: removing every meaningful hiring standard. After eliminating outdated requirements such as "must not be a professional police impersonator," "must possess a valid driver's license," and "must not be a registered sex offender," ICE leadership confirmed that Dewitte was “the obvious next step in the agency’s downward trajectory.”

“HE ALREADY OWNS MORE UNIFORMS THAN WE DO”

“We ran the numbers,” said ICE spokesperson Sgt. Major (Self-Appointed) Mike “Hardline” McGwire. “Jeremy brings his own lights, his own sirens, and a fleet of Crown Victorias that have seen more action than our entire southern district. He even arrived wearing a tactical ‘PRESS’ vest, three badges, and a helmet cam he refused to turn off. From a budget standpoint, hiring a man who has already spent $200,000 pretending to be us was simply efficient.”

NEW OPERATIONAL STANDARDS

Effective immediately, all ICE operations will follow the Metro-State Protocol, including:

  • The 50/50 Strategy: For every deportation, agents must perform 50 high-speed motorcycle escorts for confused tourists.
  • Mandatory Shouting: Agents must scream “GO! MOVE! PULL OVER!” at any vehicle within a 3-mile radius, regardless of relevance.
  • The “Look at My Badge” Maneuver: Agents will undergo intensive training in pointing at their own chest while shouting their rank until suspects surrender out of sheer bewilderment.
  • Stolen Valor Synergy Program: Dewitte will head the new “Sgt. Major of the Air” division, offering jump-master certification to any agent who can successfully fall off a motorcycle in a parking lot without crying.

ADDRESSING THE “OSCEOLA COUNTY INCIDENT”

When questioned about Dewitte’s recent sentencing for sex-offender registration violations, ICE leadership remained unfazed. “We view his frequent incarcerations as valuable field research into the American penal system,” the agency said. “As for the police-impersonation charges—we prefer the term ‘aggressive freelance law enforcement.’”

COMMANDER DEWITTE’S STATEMENT

“LISTEN TO ME! I’m a FEDERAL STATE-CERTIFIED AGENT! If you don’t like my standards, talk to my COLONEL! I’ve parachuted into FALLUJAH more times than you’ve eaten BREAKFAST! Get your camera out of my face — I have my own cameras — BEFORE YOU FIND OUT! METRO-ICE IS MOVING!”

He then activated six sirens simultaneously and sped off to escort an ICE operation to McDonald's.

ABOUT METRO ICE (POST-2025 STANDARDS)
METRO ICE is a federal state agency committed to national security through the use of high-pitched sirens, excessive Velcro, and personnel who are legally prohibited from being within 500 feet of a school.

MEDIA CONTACT:
To interview Commander Dewitte, simply stand at any busy Florida intersection. He will locate you, cut you off, and yell at you for four uninterrupted minutes.

#ice #JEREMYDEWITTE

Popular posts from this blog

THE GOLDEN BALLROOM/BUNKER

Image
Ben Meiselas reports on the shocking admission by Donald Trump’s DOJ in a court case where the DOJ admits to a secret project underneath the ballroom which they claim is needed to protect Donald Trump’s life for “national security purposes.” "You unlock this door with the key of complicity. Beyond it is another dimension — a dimension of betrayal, of indulgence, of fear. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of politics and paranoia. You’ve just crossed into… the MAGA Zone." "Tonight’s story: A leader sworn to protect his nation makes a bargain with its enemies. The deal? Silence in the face of nuclear annihilation. No retaliation, no defense — only surrender dressed in secrecy. While citizens live unaware, their president builds a palace beneath the earth, a ballroom of gold, of marble and chandeliers, a masquerade hall for billionaires. But behind the gilded doors lies not music and laughter, but a bomb shelter — a sanctuary for the few, pur...
Read more

Conceptual Summary #2: (∂t2​S−c2∇2S+βS3)=σ(x,t)⋅FR​(C[Ψ])

Image
The tests designed to find the Aether—principally the Michelson-Morley experiment (M-M)—would be largely ineffective at detecting the fundamental S field (Substrate) in the Reactive Substrate Theory (RST) framework, though their null results are highly compatible with RST's structure. The reason lies in the distinct conceptual definition and behavior of the two media. The Test: Michelson-Morley and the Aether. The M-M experiment was designed to detect the "aether wind," a predicted change in the speed of light caused by the Earth's motion relative to a stationary, rigid medium—the classical Luminiferous Aether. Classical Aether: A static, absolute reference frame; an elastic, passive, material-like medium that fills space and serves as a carrier for light waves. Predicted Result: Light traveling parallel to Earth's motion through the Aether should be slightly slower than light traveling perpendicular to it. Actual Result (Null Result): No significant differenc...
Read more

Trump has painted a fascinating “economic science fiction” scenario 💥

Image
A sudden $20 trillion influx into U.S. government coffers would be unlike anything in history. This scenario describes an event of unprecedented economic magnitude, with immediate and long‑term effects across the U.S. and global economies. Imagine $20 trillion USD—roughly the size of the entire current U.S. annual GDP—appearing overnight in America’s coffers. The shockwaves would be severe, destabilizing, and unlike anything in history. Let’s break it down clearly, with emphasis on domestic shockwaves, global fallout, and observable indicators. 💥 Scenario Analysis: A $20 Trillion Shock to the U.S. Treasury Imagine $20 trillion USD—roughly the size of the entire current U.S. annual GDP—suddenly appearing in America’s coffers. This unprecedented event would unleash immediate and long-term effects across the U.S. and global economies, driven by inflation, currency collapse, and systemic disruption. Domestic Effects (United States): Hyperinflation: The sudden money suppl...
Read more